Send in the Clones
Two cars meet in a deserted area. One flashes its headlights three times; the other does the same. A lanky svelte woman gets out of a red car. She greets a dorky looking man with a briefcase. He opens the briefcase, revealing a chakram, and then 2000 year old hair samples, perfectly preserved. Money changes hands. Clips from Them Bones, where Xena tricks Alti into the dreamscape. Pan a room of a Xena fan. Two girls and a guy watch Xena. One says this is good footage. The phone rings, the guy finally answers it. It is the woman from the car meeting, Alexis. She asks if the guy has the clips compiled. Alexis says they have to be on digital disc, and the guy says he knows, he's the computer nerd. He wants more Joxer information. Alexis tells him to let Leah decide, she has information about psych profiles. She tells nerd guy, Leah, and Dr. Polly to meet her in 72 hours. They go into a dark looking high-rise building. The three go up to Alexis, who says the "maturation acceleration" worked well. She points to two tables, where naked Xena and Gabrielle lay. The tables move until Xena and Gabrielle are nearly standing upright. The three are very excited. Alexis tells Leah that the hair came from the Tomb of the Scrolls. Nerd boy oogles Xena's body. Leah says that Gabrielle is Xena's most important relationship. Alexis says they have to put the information from the show into their brains. They put EKG patches on Xena and Gabrielle's head. Leah wants to put in the official tribute to Gabrielle. Nerd boy doesn't like that idea. Alexis says Xena is first and foremost a warrior. Nerd boy puts in the clips. Scenes from Chakram, Eve, Motherhood (?), The Way, Heart of Darkness. Dr. Polly checks on the clones, but no response. Leah says Xena needs a dose of Gabrielle to jump-start her heart. Nerd boy wants to jump-start her heart with his hands. Alexis says that enough for the day; they don't want to overstimulate the clones, or they might go crazy. Dr. Polly says she ordered the clones some Xena and Gabrielle clothes from a catalog. Everyone leaves. Later, a gloved hand gently brushes Xena's face. Gabrielle's EKG patches are removed. The mystery person puts in an EVIL XENA disc. Clips from Destiny, Sin Trade. The Xena clone twitches. Clips from Hercules (Armageddon II). The clone sneers. Next day, Leah and Alexis come in. Leah is upset because Nerd boy cut Gabrielle's hair. The clones are dressed. Nerd boy goes to his computer. Somebody downloaded stuff, he says. They watch, and Alexis says its Evil Xena information. Dr. Polly says Xena's life signs are now working. Nerd boy starts to spit-shine Xena's breastplate (while it is on her body). Leah says Xena needs some Gabrielle information to keep from being traumatized. Alexis agrees. Clips from One Against an Army and The Way. Dr. Polly says that's enough nice stuff. Leah says okay and they show different clips, Ides of March. Alexis says they should show Xena how her dark past had consequences. More clips, A Necessary Evil. They show Callisto, and Xena perks up. She twitches. Xena wakes up and takes off the EKG pads while the four watch other Xena clips. Xena pulls a chakram from her belt and throws it. Everyone watches it whiz around the room. It returns to Xena, but breaks in half. Xena drops the chakram, then puts the pinch on Nerd Boy. Everyone is taken by surprise. Alexis tells everyone to be calm. Gabrielle wakes up and asks for Xena. Xena says her name. Xena tells Nerd Boy to start talking. Alexis tells Xena she's a clone, and says welcome to the future. Gabrielle tells Xena to take the pinch off of Nerd boy, and she does. Gabrielle asks if Ares did this. Alexis says no, science did. Xena asks why they were brought back, and Leah says because the world needs heroes. They show Xena and Gabrielle the evening news. Dr. Polly says somebody needs to kick b*tt. Xena says she's the girl for that. Xena says they are hungry. They are given donuts. More clips, Sins of the Past, Prodigal, ITADIH, A Good Day, etc. Xena and Gabrielle eat pizza. The thoughts of the other people are revealed. Dr. Polly is thinking Xena could beat up everyone in the movie world. Nerd Boy is hoping he will be the first 21st century man to screw Xena or Gabrielle (or both). Leah is glad that she got to show her Gabrielle compilation of clips. She thinks she should show the heroes a lot of Ellen shows. More clips. Return of Callisto, where Gabrielle says good-bye to Xena. Xena says, "Alright!" Clips, Return of the Valkyries Xena says that isn't the way it happened. Gabrielle confirms Xena's memory. Dr. Polly realizes they are really remembering, not just remembering what was fed in via the TV show clips. Nerd Boy asks what they think of the show. Xena likes the sexy one who plays her. Gabrielle says the writing is bad; they've taken liberties with her scrolls. Xena agrees and wonders what they are trying to say about "the relationship" anyway? Nerd Boy asks Xena if she ever got it on with Ares. Xena tells him to get a life. Xena and Gabrielle move away from the others to talk. They decide they are heroes; they should act like heroes. Xena says she doesn't want to do The Greater Good thing this time. Xena starts to leave the lab and tells Gabrielle all about the bathroom. Alexis tells Gabrielle she's afraid they woke up Evil Xena. She takes Gabrielle outside so they can talk. The police come, though, and Alexis says Gabrielle is the "loony" who broke into her laboratory. Gabrielle starts to fight off the police with her sais, but Alexis reminds Gabrielle what guns to do. The police take Gabrielle away. Back in the lab, Nerd Boy, Dr. Polly and Leah watch videos. Xena is asleep. More clips. Nerd Boy asks if the show accurately characterizes Joxer. Xena says she didn't think he was that smart. Alexis comes in and says Gabrielle has been arrested. Xena jumps up and asks what police is; Alexis says the local warlords. Alexis directs Xena to the jail, and gives her the chakram Alexis got in the first scene. Xena takes off to save Gabrielle. The three Xena fans are upset with Alexis. They ask where the chakram came from. Then they realize that Alexis is Alti. Alti/Alexis laughs. She said she was tired of Xena's new do-gooder reputation; she is the one who hid the scrolls, and she liked the violent world before Xena. If Xena does bad stuff, her reputation will suffer. On the TV, we hear that Xena has broken Gabrielle out of jail. The three fans are upset, and figure out that Alti/Alexis really cloned the Evil Xena. More news footage about Xena. Alti/Alexis says Xena will make a good sidekick. Everyone leaves to go see about Xena. The news continues with an interview from a guy describing Xena's actions. In a junkyard, Xena has put on welder's gear and is making something. Gabrielle asks Xena what she's doing. Xena says she's making new weapons. She pulls out a pistol and says it is useless in hand-to-hand combat. She fires the pistol; a cat meows. Xena picks up a sword and calls it a toy. The sword she was making looks like a real sword. Gabrielle tells Xena she could have killed somebody at the city dungeon. Xena asks Gabrielle if she wanted to rot in there for the rest of her life. Alti/Alexis pulls up in her red car. Gabrielle tells Xena not to listen to Alti/Alexis. Alti/Alexis reminds Xena of their past together, more clips. The fans climb out of the car. Alti/Alexis says Xena had good stuff going before Gabrielle came into the picture. More clips. Gabrielle keeps telling Xena not to listen to her. Alti/Alexis says Gabrielle betrayed Xena. More clips (Debt, Maternal Instinct, Ides of March, Bitter Suite. Xena turns on Gabrielle and asks Alti why she brought Gabrielle back. She says Gabrielle is her gift to Xena. Then Gabrielle tells Xena to remember the good stuff. More clips, good stuff clips. Xena pushes Gabrielle out of the way and goes after Alti/Alexis. Lots of fighting. Gabrielle gets the three fans out of the way, they all watch. Alti hits Xena with a crowbar. Alti gets in her car and tries to run over Xena. She hits Xena and Xena rolls up the windshield. Alti hits an electrical wire. The wire is live. Xena jumps on Alti/Alexis again and gets Alti out of the car. Alti gets the live electrical wire and tries to fry Xena. Xena gets the cable away from Alti and turns the car into an electrical unit. Xena drops a car on Alti. Alti pops up behind Xena. More fighting. Dr. Polly jumps in and gets popped out by Alti/Alexis. More fighting. Xena finally flips Alti/Alexis over on top of the electrified car, and Alti burns to a crisp. A fire starts on the ground and heads toward Gabrielle and the fans. They are behind flammable barrels. Xena yells for them to run. Xena goes to them and she and Gabrielle get the three fans out of the way. Gabrielle throws her arms around Xena and they hug as the flames draw near. A big kaboom ensues and everything blows up. The fans look up. There is nothing left. They look for remains of Xena and Gabrielle but don't find anything. They walk away, sad. A taxi drives by. Xena and Gabrielle are in the back, drinking out of champagne glasses. They toast. The fans ignore them and never see them. Nerd Boy wonders if anyone at the conventions will believe him. Then he says he could clone Dr. Spock's toenails. The taxi keeps driving away.